Jocelyn and Addison Aquilino lost their father to suicide in 2014, when they were 10 and 8 years old respectively.
Two years later, their mother enrolled them in Comfort Zone Camp, a nonprofit bereavement camp for children who have lost a loved one. The organization offers weekend camps for children affected by all types of loss, including some, like the one the Aquilinos attended, designed specifically for children affected by suicide.
The sisters had attended other grief camps that hadn’t worked for them, so they were skeptical about their first weekend at Comfort Zone, located about two hours from their hometown of Marlton, N.S. Jersey.
Grief and death are often considered taboo subjects, especially when it involves suicide or homicide, according to a study published in the journal Sociology of health and illness. Grieving for this type of death is more isolating because many people, especially those not directly affected, are uncomfortable talking about the circumstances of the death, or even about the person who died.
The Aquilino sisters refrained from talking about their grief and emotions until they attended camp and found themselves surrounded by others who shared common experiences.
“I didn’t like people. I was afraid of meeting new people. But as time went on and I discovered other kids with the same story, and even met adults who had been through the same thing, it was eye-opening to see that I was not alone on this journey,” says Addison. Fortune.
The sisters, now 18 and 19, have returned to Comfort Zone every year since 2016 and think of their fellow campers and the volunteers’ families.
“I made friends who I still talk to every day.” Addison said.
“The people at the camp are like immediate family. We are connected in a deeper way.
Jocelyn and Addison Aquilino
What is the mourning camp?
Bereavement camps have been around since the 1980s, but gained popularity in the 1990s and early 2000s. Since the COVID-19 pandemic, the demand for bereavement camps has increased.
A few camp waiting lists have lengthened up to 100% since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, as approximately 43,000 American children have experienced the death of a parent due to Covid, according to JAMA. Experts say the pandemic has also increased deaths from other causes, such as opioid abuse and diabetes.
About six million In the United States, children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before the age of 18.
In the book Bereavement camps for children and adolescentsresearchers suggest that bereavement camps decrease symptoms of traumatic grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including denial, irritability, and intense, ongoing fear or sadness in children after the loss of a parent.
Although there are different types of bereavement camps, they have similar goals: to help children deal with their grief while allowing them to be children.
“Grief is certainly challenging as an adult, and can be a difficult concept for children to understand, as it is a process to go through with no end goal,” says Mary FitzGerald, CEO of Elunaan organization that supports children who are grieving or struggling with mental health issues.
Eluna was co-founded in 2000 by former Major League Baseball pitcher Jamie Moyer and children’s advocate Karen Phelps Moyer. In 2002, Eluna created Camp Erinthe largest free bereavement program for children and teens in the United States and Canada, with locations in every Major League Baseball city.
“We invite children to express themselves by learning that it’s okay to smile, laugh and be a grieving child,” says FitzGerald.
Children are going through a difficult time navigating heavy emotions for an extended period of time, which is why camp is structured to provide fun activities as well as opportunities to process grief.
Comfort Zone Camp was founded in 1998 by Lynne Hughes, who hoped to provide children with a place to share their grief free from the taboo associated with talking about it.
“We have a society that doesn’t really talk about grief, so it’s a closed subject, and they’ve been conditioned not to talk about it because it makes other people uncomfortable,” she explains. Fortune.
Hughes lost her mother unexpectedly when she was nine years old and three years later her father also died.
Hughes says that even as a child, she had to make sure others were comfortable hearing about her loss, even if it was hers. It was always something that was uncomfortable to talk about, even though people said she could discuss it.
Hughes tried to live as normal a childhood as possible, despite the circumstances, and did what many young girls do: she attended summer camp. From the age of nine, Hughes was drawn to camp. She loved being a camper and interacting with the “cool camp counselors,” she said. As Hughes grew, she craved the sense of community and support she found at camp.
In college, she became a camp counselor at a co-ed summer camp in the Poconos — where she met her husband — and continued to live the camp life into early adulthood.
Hughes and her husband thought about what they would do “when they grew up” and often wished they could return to camp, the place where they met and which gave them a sense of community.
“I was acutely aware that there were no resources (to help deal with grief) when I was growing up, and many years later, there still weren’t,” Hughes says. “So I combined my love of camp with an unmet need in society, and Comfort Zone was born. »
What is happening at the mourning camp?
Comfort Zone includes all the common camp elements, like s’mores, swimming, a challenge course, kayaking, arts and crafts, singing and a bonfire, Hughes says. But between these activities, campers also benefit from coping skills and time to reflect and share about their loved one and their grief, if they choose.
Comfort Zone Camp
Licensed therapists lead what Comfort Zone calls healing circles or small grief support groups. In healing circles, campers have the opportunity to tell their story or introduce their loved one with a photo or memory.
Younger campers, or “Little Buddies,” are paired with older, veteran campers, called “Big Buddies,” to guide them through their experience and be someone they can lean on. Buddies are matched before camp based on personality and usually meet by phone before arriving at camp.
Jocelyn had the same boyfriend for five years.
“She answers every time I call her. She texts me on the anniversary of losing my father. I know that even though I’m not her boyfriend anymore and I’m an adult now, I still have this connection with her that I don’t really have with anyone else,” she says.
Campers also participate in a Comfort Zone ceremony called Circle of Remembrance, where they write notes to their deceased loved ones and throw them into a bonfire.
“We talk about the smoke which carries the message to their loved one. Sometimes it’s very emotional for the kids because with fire safety and the safety of the community that’s affected by it, they can let out that cry if they need to,” Hughes says.
On the last day of camp, parents come pick up their children and everyone participates in a memorial service during which campers pay tribute to their loved one. Some choose to sing their loved one’s favorite song, read a poem, or tell a deceased relative’s favorite joke – jokes that some young campers may not fully understand, but that the crowd of parents and friends Older children certainly understand, says Hughes.
Hughes says many campers show up with an “invisible backpack full of rocks,” as if they’re carrying a heavy weight because “unexpressed grief gets nowhere.” After telling their stories and sharing what they feel comfortable with, Hughes says the difference in them is like night and day.
“They become lighter and shinier, almost as if their backpack of stones had fallen off and been thrown away,” says Hughes.
“When they see their children again (on the last day of camp), many parents say to them: ‘What did you do? This is the first time I’ve seen a real smile.’
Parents also learn the strategies used at camp so they can strengthen themselves at home and help their child continue their healing process.
“The real emotions come after camp, where you just need that time to decompress and get back into the real world, instead of this nice little bubble of grief,” Addison says.
Addison and Jocelyn Aquilino
A “special place” so you don’t feel alone
Sometimes kids’ greatest accomplishment isn’t even going to camp, but having to leave it, Hughes says.
“We end up explaining to parents that this is a place where everyone is kind and uplifting, and that you almost have to prepare them for that disappointment of going back and interacting with people who don’t understand,” explains Hughes.
For this reason, Hughes says they emphasize the importance of maintaining a relationship with their friends throughout the year and remind campers that they can always come back to camp.
This year was Jocelyn’s first time being a big buddy, mentoring a new camper throughout the weekend.
“It was so rewarding to finally be able to be that support person for someone and to meet this little girl who has been through so much but is still so excited to meet me and come to camp” , said Jocelyn.
It is important for people of all ages, especially young children, to have people with whom they feel comfortable sharing their emotions and talking about their grief, especially those who understand. For many children, this happens at camp.
“As grief does not go away, children, like adults, will during the course of their lives. So it’s important to learn how to integrate grief into our lives and not avoid it,” says FitzGerald.
“Making new friends and having fun at camp can help children cope with their grief and does not dishonor the person who has died. »
The Aquilinos say they have no plans to stop attending Comfort Zone, especially since they can volunteer at any age. For them, it’s bigger than a camp.
“This is our special place. Once you’re there, you’re part of the family. It’s a thing that lasts forever,” says Addison.
