Are you spending more time in bed with your laptop, responding to Slack messages, than with your partner? Then it might be time to get back to reality.
When our romantic relationship If we carry too much of the burden of our work lives, it can lead to resentment, jealousy, and ultimately a breakup, especially when we expect our partners to shoulder an unfair share of our work stress .
“We have a set of expectations that our intimate partners are a source of emotional support and that we can be our most authentic versions of ourselves,” Alexandra SalomonChicago-based psychologist and podcast host Reimagining Lovetell Fortune. And while it’s a “blessing” to discover this, she adds, “It comes back to bite us when we’re not aware of how our burnout is impacting how we present ourselves to them.”
This is a widespread problem: in Deloitte Burnout Surveyfor example, 83% of respondents said burnout can negatively impact their personal relationships. Similarly, in Headspace Report on Workforce Mindset in 202471% of employees said work stress led to the end of a personal relationship.
A big part of the problem, Solomon says, is that the lines between work and home can be hard to draw, especially in remote and hybrid work environments. That’s why it’s important to dedicate time and energy to every aspect of our lives, including time to connect with our partners outside of discussing our work projects.
Here are five tips to prevent burnout from ruining the romance in your life.
1. Resist the urge to compare
Often, when both partners are going through a difficult time at work, Solomon explains, there is a tendency to become competitive, leading to job stress. Olympic GamesIf you want.
“The conversation might start like this: ‘I want to share my day with you because you’re such an inspiration and a safe place,’” she says. “But the conversation can sneakily turn into a comparison between the two people who are struggling the most.”
Salomon suggests resisting the urge to compare your experience with your partner’s and remember that any stress, including that which arises in this type of competition, is unwanted and can have a negative impact on your life. negative impact on our health.
2. Define “micro rituals”‘
Creating ways to symbolize the transition from work time to home time – even, or even especially, if you work from home – can be essential to the strength of your relationship.
“For some people, it’s the drive home, or the moment you change after work, almost a ritual: ‘I’m taking the day off, I did my job, I showed up, I did what I was supposed to do. It’s waiting for me tomorrow,’” she says. “Whatever you can establish a micro ritual to transition the workday into time with your partner,” she says, it will be worth it.
3. Performance reviews aren’t just for the office
Performance metrics, desired raises, and the basic need to stay employed are all reliable motivators when it comes to doing a great job at work. But what about staying motivated at home?
“We don’t think, ‘In a year, I want to feel more connected to my partner,’ ‘I want us to have achieved this goal in our lives,'” says Jenna Glover, a licensed psychologist and clinical director at Headspacetell Fortune. But, she points out, maybe we should.
“Part of it is being intentional and really applying it in that (home) space,” Glover says. “And when people do that, they’re successful both at work and in their relationships.”
Glover suggests evaluating relationship performance as a way to ensure we don’t get lost in work or miss important moments with our partner.
“Take the time to say, “There is no model designed for what it means to be successful in my relationship as a job performance evaluationbut I’m going to take the time to identify what that would actually look like,” she suggests.
And don’t worry about it being too formal. Instead, Glover says the goal is to focus while sitting down with your partner and sharing your goals and expectations for your family, career, and individual relationship.
4. Saving “romance” by defining it expansively
It is true that stress affects libido. According to Cleveland Clinicstress can reduce your libido by distracting you from sexual desire, and chronic stress can interfere with hormone levels, which also leads to lower libido.
“No one’s desire increases because of pressure,” Salomon explains.
But romance and connection with your partner doesn’t have to start and end with sex, she says.
“The definition of ‘romantic’ is what we do that helps us feel connected,” she says. “And there are many ways to feel connected outside of sex.”
She suggests making small, meaningful gestures toward intimacy and combating burnout: playing a game with your partner, dancing together in the kitchen, or lighting candles while you eat dinner, for example.
“Part of it is reacting,” says Solomon, “and saying, ‘No, my job won’t take up my time.’ And my sexual energy.’
5. Try to avoid putting your partner on the defensive
If you feel like you’re missing out on time with your partner because of one (or both) of your jobs, a gentle way to start trying to counteract this is to start a conversation about it: How about a screen-free date night? How about planning a fun outing? Your partner can’t always read your mind or body language to figure out what you want, Solomon says.
But pointing fingers and blaming someone can make them feel attacked and guilty, which puts them on the defensive. Instead, take the time to calmly tell your partner that you miss their undivided attention.
Additionally, she points out, burnout is often, if not always, related to company culture rather than the employee. So while it may be easy to blame your partner for responding to work-related messages outside of business hours, it’s also up to their employer to respect boundaries outside of work hours.
“(Your partner) hasn’t created the corporate culture that demands people be available at all hours, or refuses to hire the right number of people to do the job, or whatever the dynamics are in the organization,” she says. “So I think part of it is also making sure that the responsibilities are assigned to the right people.”
In fact, almost 70% of professionalsaccording to Deloittebelieve their employers are not doing enough to prevent or mitigate burnout within their organization, and 21% say their company does not offer any programs or initiatives to prevent or mitigate it.
“People have to work. It is therefore very important for employees to think about the following question: “What is my work experience? “And I hope the work is there to support the quality of your life and not degrade it,” says Glover.
She adds that we all have limited resources.limited time, limited energy– and that spending “too much” on a job will guarantee that you will not have a good work-life balance.
And parsing that out is becoming increasingly difficult, Solomon says, because the very terminology of “work-life balance” can be misleading.
“In our minds, we think of them as two separate spheres,” she says. “But the boundary between home and work is actually quite permeable.”
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